Part 1 – The Eternal Cycle

There’s a theory called the “cyclic universe theory”. Put simply, it proposes that as the universe came into existence following the Big Bang and started expanding from there; there will come a point when the universe will stop expanding and start contracting instead, and eventually end with a Big Crunch. But it doesn’t end there. When the Big Crunch happens, at the same time, another Big Bang will happen and the universe will start again. And on and on it will go, mimicking the literal beating of a heart. An infinite cycle of creation and destruction, always on a loop.

And if we are to believe in the theory, then the universe goes through the same exact timeline – same exact set of events happening in each cycle. If so, then we have already lived our entire lives an infinite amount of times, and we are going to live our entire lives an infinite amount of times again. Looping through everything that happened in our lives over and over again. And it happens exactly the same as before, the same as an infinite times before, again.

You see, we have already lived through all of this before. And we are going to live through it again. We just don’t remember it. All our memories, our pain, our joy, our feelings, our thoughts – we have had them before. It’s not reincarnation. It’s still one life, the same life, on repeat.

Part 2 – The White Walls

There was something about those white walls that I cannot forget. There was something. Something that I cannot put to words. They felt like home to me. I cannot explain what home means to me. But if my soul had a home, it would be there.

It’s as if I was born homeless, and I spent 20 years out in the world, and one day, one glorious day, I stepped inside those white walls. I honestly cannot put to words what I feel for those white walls, but it is beyond my reasoning or comprehension.

I stayed there for two years, and off I was again. Never to step foot inside those walls again. There was a “before” those walls, and there is an “after” those walls. But the time inside those walls – if only you could feel what I feel right now.

It was home. As close to home as I have ever felt. It was home to my soul. If there is a heaven somewhere out there, and as some wild theories say that each of our heavens are designed differently, designed specifically for each individual, then I know I would get to see those walls again.

Put all the possible words in every language together and they still wouldn’t be able to convey what I feel about those four walls. No matter where I have gone in my life after that, my heart has never come with me. I lost it somewhere inside those white walls, and I never found it again.

Heaven to me is those white walls and sunlight.

Part 3 – The Hope

I don’t hope for Heaven (I mean I do, but), I hope that the universe is really cyclic. Because that’s the only possibility where I would get to go back in time and be inside those walls again. To live through what I have already lived through. To feel what I have already felt. To make the same memories again, no matter how bitter they turned out to be, because in those moments they were the sweetest thing God ever produced.

And I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one thing. I would go through all the pain and happiness. I would get all the bruises and the blushes. I would take all the shame and pride. Because whatever those times were, they were perfect. They were more perfect than God’s own heart.

Sometimes all you dream of is a dream. Sometimes that’s the best you can do for your long lost heart. Maybe my heart has always been lost there, in all my infinite lives. Maybe all my infinite lives crave for the next cycle so I can be with my heart again inside those white walls, finally home, and for a brief second, finally at peace, until it’s time to leave and wait for the next cycle again.